@#%&!

Changes soon. Big ones. For once, I am not ready to jump into them. I am not even excited about change for once.

Maybe I should try venting? I always utilized cryptic messages that only held meaning to myself, as if the fact I said it in a hidden way made any difference apart from the satisfaction of knowing that in some odd way, I had released the information that has been begging to get out. We broke up, so what? I had been through several relationships before, anyways.

But not like this.

I know, it can happen again, but with each past experience, I find it harder and harder to let go of the past and to be close to another person. I mean, since I moved back from the month in LA I have yet to be able to make friends again. It is as if, within that short span, all friend I had dissapated into casual acquaintences. I remember my first night back, at Wal*Mart I ran into Ash and her new bf, Jake. I rode, crammed int he back of their trunk, looking up at the stars through the grass. I realized my time away made everything different. I never felt close to family or friends ever again after that. I moved to Virginia. Still not close.

Each time I love, it will mean less and less since it will have become less exclusive.

In the past, when things ended I was always reminded I had good relationships with friends. Since that past experience, I have never been able to get close to a friend again, no matter how hard I want to. She was my gf and all the sorts of friends I had all in one.

I feel I should be close to some - Zack, Josh, Andy, Matt, etc....but, ultimately - nothing. Stock characters that come and go with their roles. I've met a hundred over them over my travels to various places. my travelling has degenerated my views as to what people are. I mean, the more I know, the less important people with Personality A become. Personality B? Everyone knows one. I know 12.

What have I done? Have I destroyed my ability to make friends? I don't recall what a friendship feels like anymore. Everyone as an acquaintance, doomed to be viewed as artificial intelligence from me. I mean, after so many "friends" they all run together. I am terrified relationships will end up as that. Each one will be less interesting than the next, until, like a job, I settle with a "minimum wage" female.

Tough day to deal with. This one is going to cause a lot of issues down the road.

Dear alcohol, why do you make it so difficult to post to livejournal?

I write stuff. It means nothing. Socializing in the present day feels like nothing more than obligation. I should have made a haiku about that.

HOLY SHIT THIS STILL EXISTS!

I had a small gathering in order to celebrate my belated birthday. People showed up, we played N64, people got drunk, etc. Well, seeing how I was around people that were inebriated, I was able to actually get participation with my little "ideas" for "fun".

We had a chugging contest to see who could chug 12 oz of their own piss. The other guy won. We also made piss popsicles. Oh, and my urine tasted like chicken broth. Rad.

I got 2 other people to take shots with me, but they contained no alcohol. Just texas pete and a habanero pepper. It was amusing, but my stomach still burns and OMG IT BURNED WHEN I PEED THIS MORNING.

Next week, I am planning for a day where people show up in old clothes, ready to get dirty. I will purchase a large amount of eggs, and we will then proceed to go into the woods and throw the eggs at each other, in a large egg fight.

Maybe thats why I havent been content since I moved? I haven't done anything that felt like it is something I would do. I miss the days of fighting with bananas in backyards, watergun fights, water balloon fights indoors, food fights, going outside at 3am and burning random objects, throwing random frozen animals at the walls, and breaking things that didn't work. I need to introduce some chaos back into my life. Fuck this newfound structure in my life.

//Nothing follows

< / 2008 >

Happy Thanksgiving to you people. REMEMBER, this in NOT "Turkey Day" for that is August 30th. The Turkish people celebrate it because in 1922 they won their independence. Correct yourselves, or I shall send you bottles of fermented urine labelled "Eggnog".

//Nothing follows

WHEN THE FUCK DID I END UP EATING OATMEAL!?

On a completely unrelated note, I have to take a shit.

//Nothing follows